GENTRIFUCKATION IS A BITCH.
Chicago was fine.
OK- maybe not all of it was totally, 100% fine. But nearly all of the native Chicagoans I've befriended since moving here seem to concur- Chicago was a more fun and interesting place before the real estate investors proceeded to piss all over everything and shit out a low-quality $250,000 per unit condo complexes every other building on every other block.
To me, it feels like a horror movie- fleeing and uprooting your life every few years to escape the encroachment of yuppie spawn bringing their bland, tasteless way of life to your doorstep.
That cool old man bar that's been unchanged and owned by the same family since the '40's? The one with the fantastic juke box? How about a nice cutting-edge-of-hip wine bar instead? Ooh! Or a vodka lounge!
That little greasy spoon on the corner that serves up a mediocre breakfast for $4, but for another $2 will follow that up with the best cherry pie you've ever tasted? How about a stuffy, trendy "dining experience" with a chic one-word name like "Eat" "Dine" or "Taste?" The chef is to die for!
Neighborhood butcher shop where you can pick up a nice pork shoulder? Record store that can help you track down obscure Charlie Feathers German LP pressings from the early 1980's? Fuck it- dog spa.
Y'know.. Chicago has always been a city that prides itself on its neighborhoods- a city where from one block to the next it's like walking through Epcot Center- little eclaves of ethnic flourish, where walking down the same street you could buy a hand-tailored suit in an hour, home made pierogi's, and jazz records from the 1950's.
It's not like that anymore.
Just go to Germantown. Lousy with Germans, right? Liederhosen, gnomes, sausage and the whole bit? Sorry, pal. You'll have to go to Munich. It used to be that way, just a few years ago even. And sure, there's a few solid hold outs- the Chicago Brauhaus isn't going anywhere anytime soon- but it now rubs its 60+ year old shoulders with trendy salons, a hippie food cafe, and an overpriced kids clothing store. Not to mention Coldstone's, Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and all the other chain-level earmarks of yuppiedom. We can't go without our smoothies, now, can we? And sausage is so high in fat anyway.
It's much the same story elsewhere in the city. I moved into my neighborhood four years ago, fleeing the pure unadulterated hell that was once the Lakeview neighborhood. This neighborhood's full of quiet, tree-lined streets, there's a 50 year old bowling alley down the street, a chinese restaurant that's been in the same place since the 1930's (stop by Orange Garden if you're up Irving Park way...) and many other such amenities for an indoors person such as myself. And while the neighborhood isn't totally uninhabitable yet (I'd give it another 5 years at least), it is becoming more and more intolerable on a daily basis. It's just not quite far enough away from the snot-nosed yuppie offspring date-rapist mecca that is Wrigleyville. Slowly, their virus is spreading it's baby blue net over this once docile neighborhood. And with two brand new condo complexes going up on Irving, I'd say we're all roundly fucked.
If you have money, fine. Spend it. But please- for the sake of the rest of us who DON'T have much in the way of expendible income, do something interesting with it, and don't merely use it to open more businesses that are readily available in other neighborhoods that you've bent over a chair and forced yourself upon (see the aforementioned Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Wicker Park, the Gold Coast, Bucktown...hell- the whole damn fucking city...)
Why is it that the people that make the money and dictate what goes where are all rolling goose eggs in the creativity department? They're all driving Lexus', Mercedes', BMW's and the like, perfectly comfortable with paying $15 cover to a bar on Friday that doesn't charge a cover on Wednesday, laying out $12 per drink for their five drink minimum so they can hit on/breed with other vacant know-nothings, spreading both the yuppie plague, and genital warts as they go.
I think it's advertising. Somehow, the dullards have taken over- creativity is stifled, and all we are left with is E! Entertainment News, Dane Cook, and Panic at the Disco.
The dipshits of the world buy into the pap- "Say, if we only advertise NBC owned movies and brands during our shows, and also work them into the plots of those shows, we'll sell 18.5% more pairs of slacks at Banana Republic! Do we own stock in Mercedes-Benz? Get the American Idol kids piled into one of those for a PSA stat!" Paris Hilton takes her worthless, shitty dog to a dog spa, so God damnit, so should everybody else. And who wants to go buy an unworthy Graco swinging chair at Toys R Us like a normal person? Your baby should get a hand-crafted swinging chair fashioned out of less worthy children from icky undeveloped countries at "Play: A Baby Boutique Adventure" for 25X more money. Who cares if he outgrows it in a year? He'll only be a baby once, and it should be a magical experience (though, not by having him out actually experiencing things for himself- he might get hurt, and you have Yoga to get to!) Just throw it on "The Card..." The world works on credit, darling.
Don't buy into it. Shop locally at the places you want to keep around. Otherwise, friends- the dipshits win. And the dipshits hate our freedom.
Chicago was fine.
OK- maybe not all of it was totally, 100% fine. But nearly all of the native Chicagoans I've befriended since moving here seem to concur- Chicago was a more fun and interesting place before the real estate investors proceeded to piss all over everything and shit out a low-quality $250,000 per unit condo complexes every other building on every other block.
To me, it feels like a horror movie- fleeing and uprooting your life every few years to escape the encroachment of yuppie spawn bringing their bland, tasteless way of life to your doorstep.
That cool old man bar that's been unchanged and owned by the same family since the '40's? The one with the fantastic juke box? How about a nice cutting-edge-of-hip wine bar instead? Ooh! Or a vodka lounge!
That little greasy spoon on the corner that serves up a mediocre breakfast for $4, but for another $2 will follow that up with the best cherry pie you've ever tasted? How about a stuffy, trendy "dining experience" with a chic one-word name like "Eat" "Dine" or "Taste?" The chef is to die for!
Neighborhood butcher shop where you can pick up a nice pork shoulder? Record store that can help you track down obscure Charlie Feathers German LP pressings from the early 1980's? Fuck it- dog spa.
Y'know.. Chicago has always been a city that prides itself on its neighborhoods- a city where from one block to the next it's like walking through Epcot Center- little eclaves of ethnic flourish, where walking down the same street you could buy a hand-tailored suit in an hour, home made pierogi's, and jazz records from the 1950's.
It's not like that anymore.
Just go to Germantown. Lousy with Germans, right? Liederhosen, gnomes, sausage and the whole bit? Sorry, pal. You'll have to go to Munich. It used to be that way, just a few years ago even. And sure, there's a few solid hold outs- the Chicago Brauhaus isn't going anywhere anytime soon- but it now rubs its 60+ year old shoulders with trendy salons, a hippie food cafe, and an overpriced kids clothing store. Not to mention Coldstone's, Starbucks, Jamba Juice, and all the other chain-level earmarks of yuppiedom. We can't go without our smoothies, now, can we? And sausage is so high in fat anyway.
It's much the same story elsewhere in the city. I moved into my neighborhood four years ago, fleeing the pure unadulterated hell that was once the Lakeview neighborhood. This neighborhood's full of quiet, tree-lined streets, there's a 50 year old bowling alley down the street, a chinese restaurant that's been in the same place since the 1930's (stop by Orange Garden if you're up Irving Park way...) and many other such amenities for an indoors person such as myself. And while the neighborhood isn't totally uninhabitable yet (I'd give it another 5 years at least), it is becoming more and more intolerable on a daily basis. It's just not quite far enough away from the snot-nosed yuppie offspring date-rapist mecca that is Wrigleyville. Slowly, their virus is spreading it's baby blue net over this once docile neighborhood. And with two brand new condo complexes going up on Irving, I'd say we're all roundly fucked.
If you have money, fine. Spend it. But please- for the sake of the rest of us who DON'T have much in the way of expendible income, do something interesting with it, and don't merely use it to open more businesses that are readily available in other neighborhoods that you've bent over a chair and forced yourself upon (see the aforementioned Lakeview, Lincoln Park, Wicker Park, the Gold Coast, Bucktown...hell- the whole damn fucking city...)
Why is it that the people that make the money and dictate what goes where are all rolling goose eggs in the creativity department? They're all driving Lexus', Mercedes', BMW's and the like, perfectly comfortable with paying $15 cover to a bar on Friday that doesn't charge a cover on Wednesday, laying out $12 per drink for their five drink minimum so they can hit on/breed with other vacant know-nothings, spreading both the yuppie plague, and genital warts as they go.
I think it's advertising. Somehow, the dullards have taken over- creativity is stifled, and all we are left with is E! Entertainment News, Dane Cook, and Panic at the Disco.
The dipshits of the world buy into the pap- "Say, if we only advertise NBC owned movies and brands during our shows, and also work them into the plots of those shows, we'll sell 18.5% more pairs of slacks at Banana Republic! Do we own stock in Mercedes-Benz? Get the American Idol kids piled into one of those for a PSA stat!" Paris Hilton takes her worthless, shitty dog to a dog spa, so God damnit, so should everybody else. And who wants to go buy an unworthy Graco swinging chair at Toys R Us like a normal person? Your baby should get a hand-crafted swinging chair fashioned out of less worthy children from icky undeveloped countries at "Play: A Baby Boutique Adventure" for 25X more money. Who cares if he outgrows it in a year? He'll only be a baby once, and it should be a magical experience (though, not by having him out actually experiencing things for himself- he might get hurt, and you have Yoga to get to!) Just throw it on "The Card..." The world works on credit, darling.
Don't buy into it. Shop locally at the places you want to keep around. Otherwise, friends- the dipshits win. And the dipshits hate our freedom.
posted by Pete Klockau at 2:58 PM
1 Comments:
Hey, what you got against dog spa's? Dems the only places that will sculpt my back hair! And I get a free milkbone at the end too!
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