SWEET SWEET IRONY

I was out wandering around earlier today with little or no agenda, as I often do on weekends, when I overheard a very loud conversation coming from some place up ahead of me...

GUY 1: "Yeah, but there's always a bunch of douche bags there, man..."
GUY 2: "Yeah, but whatever. A lot of people think I'm a douche bag, but so what? I am!"

I rounded the bend as this battle of wits was coming to an end, only to discover that guy 2 WAS, in fact, a COMPLETE DOUCHE BAG!

How did I know he was a douche bag, says you, wondering how on sight alone I could see one's very personality?

Let's run through the check list:

-Jamming brightly colored Jeep runabout with multiple cases of Miller Lite? Check.
-Giant, face-obliterating, super-reflective sunglasses shields? Check.
-Retarded plastic visor jammed into poofy hair, cubs logo proudly displayed? Check.
-Cubs logo emblazoned TANK TOP? Check.
-HOME MADE CARGO SHORTS cut from a pair of cargo pants? CHECK!
-MAN-DALS? DOUBLE CHECK!

Perhaps this is superficial. But I feel the decisions a person makes about how they will look when they leave the house speak volumes for character. Some people just don't care- fine. I am apt to align with your worldview (meaning, I barely care.)But certain aesthetic decisions are inexcusable. Perhaps a chief bone of wardrobe contention for me is the man sandal (or "man-dal.") Unless you are Jesus, an apostle, or live in an unbearably hot climate (like- where lizards roam freely and comfortably) there is no excuse for owning a pair. Shoes are readily available. I don't think a man should feel comfortable throwing on a pair of sandals because it's hot anymore than he should be fine with slipping into a breezy sun dress. This goes for tank tops as well. Are you running a 10K? Or are you a beefy overgrown frat boy going out drinking? If the answer is anything but option A, there is again very little excuse.

I think it's the douche bags (along with their compatriots, the meatballs, frat dudes, dipshits, bar slags, and bimbos) who are swiftly removing the classiness from our fair country. If you pop on a movie from any time before the 1960's, is anyone wearing flip-flops? Are there beer-bellied party dudes wearing sports team tank tops? Kegs? Absolutely not. Thanks hippies. Way to fuck everything up.

Yes- the hippies were far-out and way anti-establishment, man. I'm all for revolution, but now we are faced with collections of their shitty offspring running around doing kegstands and tailgating, even though they are well into their 30's. Because those hippies grew up, and got jobs, and started granola companies. Once the "Wavy Gravy Granola Company, Man" had gotten its sea legs, they were raking in major corporate dollars and raising spoiled bastard kids who were not "far-out" at all, but were rather quite terrible, who would grow up lovin' that buck. Or they died of drug overdoses, in which case, good riddance.

Perhaps my chief concern with the situation I witnessed earlier today was that the guy KNEW he was a total D-bag. Seriously, to hell with other people's opinions, I'm with him there. But to KNOW this is what you're like and just let it fester? To let that indifference manifest itself in such a douche-y way? Ouch. Do something about that, guy. Get intelligent. Throw out your "bag board" and get rid of any torso covering that doesn't have sleeves.

The world will thank you- perhaps it will start a revolution, just as the hippies intended. In this day and age, nothing would say "Fuck you, establishment" quite like throwing on a nice pair of slacks, suspenders, and garter belts. Maybe the barbershop quartet look would be the new, en-vogue thing...

Eh... actually... wait- the hell with hippies.

I'm gonna go make a drink.