HAPPY HORNY WEREWOLF DAY!
Valentine’s Day is stupid.
To support that bold statement are the millions of other people in the world who have said the same thing year-in and year-out.
But when you get right down to it, most holidays are stupid. It just so happens that Valentine’s Day is one of the more arbitrary ones that seems to have little basis in much of anything other than a convenient way to unload expensive dinners, flowers, red things, and condoms (especially red condoms.)
It’s arguable that Valentines Day just might rival Christmas as most commercial.
As a kid, Valentine’s was mostly just a weird, welcomed hiccup for a day from the bleak, wintery, Midwestern miserable norm of mid-February.
It’s odd that we all grow up with certain ideas about holidays, and just trudge on celebrating ‘em the way we always have well into adulthood without really wondering WHY we’re even celebrating them in the first place.
Appropriately, in the true spirit of American capitalism, the reason why most of our holidays are when they are and why we celebrate ‘em at all boils down to good ol’ fashioned marketing.
Y’see- back in the middle ages, the plagues were rough business. The Catholic church was a business, too. It was one of the earliest forms of Christianity, and while its terrified laymen were writhing around covered in boils and rotting skin, they were coming and paying up their church dues in droves.
But as that unfortunate-ness passed, the boils cleared up, and people stopped hucking buckets full of their own waste out onto the sidewalk (OK... maybe that came later) folks started migrating to much more fun pagan religions, fear of God or no. What's sitting quietly and listening to scripture when you have orgies, animal and human sacrifices, and blood drinking rituals? C'mon- it's a no-brainer here, folks.
So the Catholic church employed some good ol' fashioned marketing tactics to bring the people back. One of the first things they did? They scheduled their important religious holidays on the same days as the Pagans- can't do everything at once now can ya? And if you miss mass on Christmas or Easter, it's a hell-worthy offense!
So be gone Winter Solstice and Spring Solstice festivals!
As for Valentine's Day? Look no further than Lupercalia- a weird Roman holiday celebrating Romulus and Remus, traditionally on February 14th, where grown, able-bodied men would dress up like wolves and slap women with strips of a goat they'd just sacrificed. Yes- goat. It was supposed to make all them hot ladies fertile and ready for what most men still expect on Valentine's Day.
Then, everybody put their name in a jug, and people were paired up in lottery weddings. Fun times, huh?
So- next year when that damned red holiday comes around, remember: You can celebrate Valentine's Day, drop $200 on a fancy shmancy dinner, another $200 on flowers, bears, candy, edible underpants and body oils, OR you can go the more frugal route, dress up like a wolf, sacrifice a goat and slap the woman you love with warm strips of it on Horny Werewolf Day.
The choice is yours, friends.
(Thanks to Warren Ellis for the horny werewolf tip...)
Valentine’s Day is stupid.
To support that bold statement are the millions of other people in the world who have said the same thing year-in and year-out.
But when you get right down to it, most holidays are stupid. It just so happens that Valentine’s Day is one of the more arbitrary ones that seems to have little basis in much of anything other than a convenient way to unload expensive dinners, flowers, red things, and condoms (especially red condoms.)
It’s arguable that Valentines Day just might rival Christmas as most commercial.
As a kid, Valentine’s was mostly just a weird, welcomed hiccup for a day from the bleak, wintery, Midwestern miserable norm of mid-February.
It’s odd that we all grow up with certain ideas about holidays, and just trudge on celebrating ‘em the way we always have well into adulthood without really wondering WHY we’re even celebrating them in the first place.
Appropriately, in the true spirit of American capitalism, the reason why most of our holidays are when they are and why we celebrate ‘em at all boils down to good ol’ fashioned marketing.
Y’see- back in the middle ages, the plagues were rough business. The Catholic church was a business, too. It was one of the earliest forms of Christianity, and while its terrified laymen were writhing around covered in boils and rotting skin, they were coming and paying up their church dues in droves.
But as that unfortunate-ness passed, the boils cleared up, and people stopped hucking buckets full of their own waste out onto the sidewalk (OK... maybe that came later) folks started migrating to much more fun pagan religions, fear of God or no. What's sitting quietly and listening to scripture when you have orgies, animal and human sacrifices, and blood drinking rituals? C'mon- it's a no-brainer here, folks.
So the Catholic church employed some good ol' fashioned marketing tactics to bring the people back. One of the first things they did? They scheduled their important religious holidays on the same days as the Pagans- can't do everything at once now can ya? And if you miss mass on Christmas or Easter, it's a hell-worthy offense!
So be gone Winter Solstice and Spring Solstice festivals!
As for Valentine's Day? Look no further than Lupercalia- a weird Roman holiday celebrating Romulus and Remus, traditionally on February 14th, where grown, able-bodied men would dress up like wolves and slap women with strips of a goat they'd just sacrificed. Yes- goat. It was supposed to make all them hot ladies fertile and ready for what most men still expect on Valentine's Day.
Then, everybody put their name in a jug, and people were paired up in lottery weddings. Fun times, huh?
So- next year when that damned red holiday comes around, remember: You can celebrate Valentine's Day, drop $200 on a fancy shmancy dinner, another $200 on flowers, bears, candy, edible underpants and body oils, OR you can go the more frugal route, dress up like a wolf, sacrifice a goat and slap the woman you love with warm strips of it on Horny Werewolf Day.
The choice is yours, friends.
(Thanks to Warren Ellis for the horny werewolf tip...)
posted by Pete Klockau at 10:05 AM
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