Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, Y'HEAR?

I had to take the Amtrak back to Iowa for a friend's bachelor party.

Having not so terribly long ago been dealing with flights and airports and such, train travel suddenly stands in sharp relief as a kind of rolling tenement full of screaming babies, rubber neckers and recently released ex-convicts. And the Amish... yes, the Amish love themselves some trains.

For years now I've been taking the train back and forth to Iowa to visit the folks, and every time I think, "I should take a cross-country train ride," y'know- leisurely soak in the local sights and color, take a lot of grainy snapshots, buy a magazine in Needles...you get the idea.

But it seems as soon as I hit Union Station, with it's even mix of suburban teens heading home from finals week, a mess of carnies, hillbillies, law-flee-ers, and psychopaths, with just the lightest sprinkling of normal folks, I have an abrupt change of heart. The romance of the train doesn't exist anymore. Certainly not on Amtrak.

Everybody settles into their seat after strict security screenings. Actually, they've been warning of increased security on Amtrak since 9/11, but that mostly consisted of making you put tags on your carry on bags (which was only enforced a year or so)and requiring an ID to buy a ticket.

The people behind me are having an intense conversation about D-I-V-O-R-C-E (Tammy Wynette would be proud) as well as domestic disputes, child custody, and NASCAR. Turns out one of the guys is taking the train to go get his truck out of an impound lot in Kansas, because his brother in law stole it...and left it in Kansas. The guy was from Missouri, but just went to Chicago because "Hell, my truck was stolen so why the hell not?"

An announcement comes over the P.A.:

"Attention Amtrak Passengers: Please keep your shoes on at all times on this train."

Um...what? Is this an ongoing problem where people get MORE athlete's foot on the train, combining with the athlete's foot and fungus they were already working on, forming a super-fungus?

A crackle and deafening buzz from the 35 year old speakers...there must be more!

"In addition to hygenic reasons, the plates in between cars are constantly shifting, and can pinch bare feet causing a nasty wound. It's happened before- we'd like to keep it from happening again."

Ah. gotcha.

I throw on my I-Pod and drown out talk of jail stays and bass fishing off the bridge.

Surely things will be more cosmopolitan in Iowa.