OH- YOU'RE NOT FREE? M'BAD.

So have a go at this: the New Hampshire state motto is "Live Free or Die." Pretty God damned bold for the smallest state in the union, I'd say. But it's undoubtedly rooted in old-timey colonial militant shit dreamt up long ago to get alla them powdered wig guys' pantaloons in a twist (I believe that time period was known as "yore.") So I get that- it's real inspiring. Kinda makes ya wanna go out there and kick up some dust, y'know?

So good. New Hampshireians are right riled up and ready to go poke oppressive British men with their bayonets so they can be free to while away their afternoons tooling around the harbor in their yacht while drinking wine coolers and listening to Michael McDonald before retiring to the Country Club lodge. Go team! I'm for it. Do as you will- LIVE FREE OR DIE!

But there's a sad, disturbing twist to all this. New Hampshire is also one of the last (if not the very last) states that has its prisoners stamping license plates as part of their debt to society. And what's stamped on every license plate for every state in the union? Why, the state motto, of course!

Sure, I'm imagining that prison in New Hampshire isn't exactly like serving your time at, say, Cook County, San Quentin, or Riker's. But if you're a prisoner in the state of New Hampshire, that's some pretty bleak, subversive shit. You could be the hardest gang banger this side of gang bangy town, and if you were told "Son- you're going up the river TO NEW HAMPSHIRE!" that person's only natural reaction would be, "OK. So... I won't have to fashion my shin bone into a shiv so I can stave off randy fellas in the shower? Cool by me." But imagine day after day reading "LIVE FREE OR DIE!" "LIVE FREE OR DIE!" That's gotta take its toll. Like Chinese water torture, maybe it's better to be staveing off would-be rapists with your leg bone shard.

So the lesson here? Don't ever stab a dude in New Hampshire. You will end up making license plates, constantly being reminded that you are not free. And your state motto will be there at every turn, haunting you, reminding you that the only choice besides free livin' is...to die. And God hates a quitter.