HALLOWEEN-TIME ALL THE TIME
Today is my favorite day of the year- Halloween. Granted, for a grown man, there are an awful lot of Draculas and Frankenstiens and sundry Wolfpeople-related objects in my home and an exorbitant number of horror movies at arm's reach that can be watched at any time, so it's arguable October 31st is really just something of an arbitrary date for me anymore.
But Halloween is more than monsters and make-up and slasher flicks. It's generally the peak of fall(the best three-weeks to live in the Midwest) and, amongst other things, it's the one time of year it's socially acceptable for dentist's offices, car dealerships, and library reading rooms around the country to adorn their coffee tables and waiting areas with mutilated body parts and corpses.
Maybe it's living in the city as opposed to a kid-filled small town, or maybe it's the fact that I'm no longer a kid myself (well... sorta) but it seems like Halloween has become less about kids and trick-or-treating, and more an excuse for adults to put on wigs, get drunk and act like assholes.
Now, a kid in a costume is adorable. Find any second grader, and have them dress up like a potato, a box of cotton swabs, or a velociraptor, and it's gonna be pretty awesome. Do the same thing to an adult, and you have... well, a jackass. Because by the time you're 20 or so, you should not have any interest in dressing up like a potato, or for that matter, any tuberous vegetable, Spiderman, Vasco Da Gamma, or Beethoven. Unless that's your job- say, you work for the Russet Gold Potato company, and your assigned task is to hand out potato-related propaganda while wearing a spud costume- there is absolutely no reason to subject yourself to the well-warranted ridicule that comes with being a grown-ass man in a potato suit.
Another thing about adults in costumes: they act like fucking assholes. When a kid is dressed like a pirate, and they act like a pirate, it's funny and cute. A kid with that fake polka-dot beard painted on in grease pencil talking like a drunken 18th century sea-faring British man? Priceless. But with adults, it's a grating, awful affair that will arouse in the more sensible among us a seemingly insurmountable urge to beat these people about the face and vital organs with a lead pipe. It doesn't matter what they're dressed as- whether some kind of Depp-related pirate, a corn cob, or a sexy pumpkin- they will find a way to take their costume source material and use it as an excuse to act it out in the most infuriating, slappable way possible. Add alcohol to the mix, and that gut instinct to set fire to the slurring, stumbly Ringo Starr standing next to you who keeps sloshing Vodka Cranberry down your front while trying to do a cute impression of one of the oft-maligned Beatle's solo records is truly justified..
Oh, and if you're an adult dressed like a pimp, a "gangsta," or any kind of piratey anything- nice try, but apparently you have been sapped of every last ounce of creativity left in your body. It's been done. And Austin Powers? Really? Still? That was like 15 years ago- give it a rest. When is that gonna die? Hopefully before I do.
I propose we give Halloween back to the kids. Because, if nothing else, the movie "Halloween" should've taught us by now that getting a babysitter for your kids on Halloween night is both a bummer, and a potential path to unadulterated slaughter.
Oh, and if another drunk grown-ass fake pirate shouts "Arr Matey!" at me, I may have to see to it that he actually NEEDS that eye patch.
Happy Halloween, ev'rbuddy!
Today is my favorite day of the year- Halloween. Granted, for a grown man, there are an awful lot of Draculas and Frankenstiens and sundry Wolfpeople-related objects in my home and an exorbitant number of horror movies at arm's reach that can be watched at any time, so it's arguable October 31st is really just something of an arbitrary date for me anymore.
But Halloween is more than monsters and make-up and slasher flicks. It's generally the peak of fall(the best three-weeks to live in the Midwest) and, amongst other things, it's the one time of year it's socially acceptable for dentist's offices, car dealerships, and library reading rooms around the country to adorn their coffee tables and waiting areas with mutilated body parts and corpses.
Maybe it's living in the city as opposed to a kid-filled small town, or maybe it's the fact that I'm no longer a kid myself (well... sorta) but it seems like Halloween has become less about kids and trick-or-treating, and more an excuse for adults to put on wigs, get drunk and act like assholes.
Now, a kid in a costume is adorable. Find any second grader, and have them dress up like a potato, a box of cotton swabs, or a velociraptor, and it's gonna be pretty awesome. Do the same thing to an adult, and you have... well, a jackass. Because by the time you're 20 or so, you should not have any interest in dressing up like a potato, or for that matter, any tuberous vegetable, Spiderman, Vasco Da Gamma, or Beethoven. Unless that's your job- say, you work for the Russet Gold Potato company, and your assigned task is to hand out potato-related propaganda while wearing a spud costume- there is absolutely no reason to subject yourself to the well-warranted ridicule that comes with being a grown-ass man in a potato suit.
Another thing about adults in costumes: they act like fucking assholes. When a kid is dressed like a pirate, and they act like a pirate, it's funny and cute. A kid with that fake polka-dot beard painted on in grease pencil talking like a drunken 18th century sea-faring British man? Priceless. But with adults, it's a grating, awful affair that will arouse in the more sensible among us a seemingly insurmountable urge to beat these people about the face and vital organs with a lead pipe. It doesn't matter what they're dressed as- whether some kind of Depp-related pirate, a corn cob, or a sexy pumpkin- they will find a way to take their costume source material and use it as an excuse to act it out in the most infuriating, slappable way possible. Add alcohol to the mix, and that gut instinct to set fire to the slurring, stumbly Ringo Starr standing next to you who keeps sloshing Vodka Cranberry down your front while trying to do a cute impression of one of the oft-maligned Beatle's solo records is truly justified..
Oh, and if you're an adult dressed like a pimp, a "gangsta," or any kind of piratey anything- nice try, but apparently you have been sapped of every last ounce of creativity left in your body. It's been done. And Austin Powers? Really? Still? That was like 15 years ago- give it a rest. When is that gonna die? Hopefully before I do.
I propose we give Halloween back to the kids. Because, if nothing else, the movie "Halloween" should've taught us by now that getting a babysitter for your kids on Halloween night is both a bummer, and a potential path to unadulterated slaughter.
Oh, and if another drunk grown-ass fake pirate shouts "Arr Matey!" at me, I may have to see to it that he actually NEEDS that eye patch.
Happy Halloween, ev'rbuddy!
posted by Pete Klockau at 11:47 AM
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