COVERED IN PUPPY BITES

On my way home from work, I saw a guy walking a massive wild beast of a dog. The dog is obviously racist against Belgians, as it is visibly vibrating with seething hatred, growling at me like an outboard motor that doesn't quite catch. The pure viscous anger is pouring from it as I absent-mindedly wander by, wondering what I'm going to feed myself for dinner tonight.

The tiny, fragile, cigarette-like man keeping the hell hound at bay (now hanging on for dear life with both hands, his arms jerking around like over cooked noodles just a-wavin' in the breeze)reassures me that there's nothing to fear from his enormous, spite-fueled dog that probably forgoes Kibbles n' Bits in favor of a plate full of carpet tacks, who shits razor blades and gnaws off orphans' legs just for fun.

"Don't worry" says the waifish, frail man. "He's just a puppy- he's just all excited 'cause he sees a new person!"

I nod slightly and pick up the pace. Much like people with new babies who thrust them at you and say "Here! Hold him!" not taking into consideration the fact that you may very well be an unprecedented clod who will drop little Snoogums on the coffee table, shattering his soft, fragile skull, people with new dogs are likely to say "Go on! Pet him!"

Normally, petting a puppy....well...let's just say it fucking rules. But this was no puppy. And if I ever want to use my hand again, I dared not touch this heaving forest-beast lest I should draw back a bloody stump coated in a thick, gooey layer of wolf spit.

The logic from this man says to me "Yes- I have a big, terrifying fucking dog that hates people. But he's just a puppy, so it's prob'ly fine!" So do puppy bites hurt less because they're from puppies? Even if those same puppies can swallow a baby hippo whole? If a man walks into the room with his nose missing and every visible skin patch a mess of open bleeding wounds, is it OK for him to say "Don't worry about it- they're just puppy bites!"

I think not.

So beware...

Puppies: they're not just for scampering anymore.